About Power

We are accustomed to connect power to certain people: managers, politicians, bosses, bankers, autocratic rulers, presidents. Even when we hold a position of power, there are always people more powerful than we are.

So, power is seen as formally given; whereas any kind of personal power seems not to be recognized. Sometimes we find people in powerful positions who do not use their power, at least that's how it looks like. Also, many people don't experience themselves as powerful. Few people, compared to the "rest", are in a (formal) position of power. Most people feel or experience the power of others, not their own. It may even look like they didn't have any power at all (especially from their own point of view).

But, this is so untrue! And because so many people do not know of their own, personal power, we get a lot of otherwise avoidable trouble.

One very strong reason for this is, we usually experience the power of other people almost always in a negative way. That means, we are restricted by them - as children by our parents and schoolteachers (and, of course, a lot of other adults), later by a lot of rules and laws (created by people who had the power to do so), and by people who exercise these rules: administrators, employers, etc. The point is, we experience their power as a force denying us something we need or want - for example, when we fail a test because we cannot concentrate, therefore get a bad mark, but are not allowed to try it again and this time show our real capability. Or, when we don't find work and are made to apply for jobs our qualification doesn't fit, because if we don't, benefit will be shortened. Or, if we want to build a house, but have to change the plan to get permission. It doesn't matter if a human being or some law forces us to do something or denies us whatever - there are always people behind. And there are people who exercise the law, and who decide which law is to be applied and how.

In addition to that, when we ourselves are seen as powerful, it is also in a negative way. In our childhood, our parents usually do so by reproaching us for not having done what we were expected to: making our homework, cleaning dishes, tidying up - our power is labeled as being troublesome instead of "behaving" (when what we really do is trying to keep at least some part of our autonomy, however weird this may look). Moreover, our power to do good things may also be recognized in a negative way: For example, when you do something for your mother; let's say, it's her turn to do the dishes, and you do it for her before she gets home. The good reaction would be, when she recognizes this as something done for her - "Wow, it's done already, I don't have to do it now, but can relax instead! Thank you, this is so great!" This way, she would not only express her happiness, but also acknowledge your intention to do her a favor.

Instead, many parents react also by remarking their astonishment about their child doing something for them. Which is the same as telling her, they wouldn't have expected it. Note: There is a difference between uttering astonishment about the fact that some task is already done, and remarking that the child wasn't expected to do something like this. The latter is hurting; to children (if not indeed to everybody) it means, they are not seen as a person to whom being helpful belongs. And it means, you are expected to do things not for other people, but only for your own good. You are seen as an egoist person, without anybody having said so. We may feel something is wrong, but we cannot express it, unless we are old enough to say something like: "What's so astonishing? Can't I do something nice?" Usually parents wouldn't understand the protest. And, usually, younger children will just feel something doesn't fit, but can't say why - the parent signaled approval and disapproval at the same time - a double-bind. The consequence may be that the child is going to avoid similar situations, and she will take the given image of herself as a lazy or egoist person.

Because such a negative self-image is nothing anybody would like to live with, we deny it. So we don't get the image of ourselves as being in the position of power to helping other people, doing something good for anybody. And, we are reproached for using our power negatively: when not doing what we are supposed to do, regardless the circumstances. The essence of this is that we are usually acknowledged when we do what others want us to do; we are not acknowledged or in a negative way, when we do something of our own free will.

This way, we do not learn about our personal power; instead, because using it gives us only "inconvenient" reactions and a feeling of guilt, we try not to recognize it at all. But power you don't recognize you have will be used blindly, and often in a destructive way. Our negative self-image may lead us to trying to behave perfectly well; as a consequence there is not only no place for any mistakes, but because nobody can do without failing from time to time, we are likely to deny our failures. And, by being focused almost only on our image, the way other people see us or need us to be becomes a matter of priority - and what we need or want gets more and more unimportant, unless we may perhaps even totally forget about it. "Unfortunately," they are not gone.

We can hurt other people! Especially when we don't know about our own needs, or deficits - every characteristic we have and are in denial about, is a potential means for hurting. For example, we may think to be open and tolerant, but the truth is, we can't stand being criticized no matter how friendly it's done. On the one hand, we tell people to talk to us whenever there is a problem; on the other hand, we are very busy with trying to do nothing wrong, making no mistakes at all. Because this is not realistic, we will sooner or later do something which may provoke anger. But, when we are confronted with it, because of our deficient self-image (our claim to be perfect) we get angry ourselves and reproach the other person of being intolerant or seeing things the wrong way.

We don't learn about our personal power and how to manage it/ourselves. Instead, we are told to fight for our rights; to get better and better so that WE gain a job, not our neighbor. We learn to watch out, so that nobody is going to take from us what's ours; if we don't take what we can, others will. That means, we learn to see ourselves as someone who can be hurt; we don't learn to recognize our potential to hurt other people. So we hurt blindly, often enough while we think we are just protecting ourselves.

To avoid being hurt there seems to be only one possibility: to get into a position of power. This way, we are not dependent on anybody else - dependence, we have learned so long ago, is just the situation for getting hurt. Being in a powerful position, there are of course other people who depend on us. But we know us to be good - they'll see!

This way, power is being (ab)used for getting the (wrong) image of one's self confirmed. This is at least one reason why we seldom see those people in powerful positions who possess personal power as well - they just don't need the position for a substitute.