The
fact that children all over the world suffer from mistreatment
finally has gotten into focus. Especially sexual harassment by
priests was a big subject for the media, sexually harassing teachers
of a boarding school in Germany, as well as severe punishment of
children in foster institutions. Even school and pre-school
facilities like kindergarten have been noticed as a possible threat
to children, so that the question arised what to do about it: how is
it possible to protect our children against this kind of criminals?
Because
parents feel helpless against the situation - they simply cannot
control the people who look after their children or supervise each of
their children's contacts - mainly educationalists came up with the
answer, children should be made strong against mistreators. That
means, they should be taught to defend themselves: to say NO, if they
do not want to do anything a person wants them to do when it doesn't
feel good (or feels weird); and, to tell a person of trust (usually a
parent) about it and so get help.
I
think, this is extremely cruel and absurd. It means telling children
of a very young age (kindergarten!) that they live in potentially
threatening circumstances. Now imagine: Say, you are a five year old
child, and you are told (or shown by a play) that you have to watch
out for yourself because some people (maybe even the nice ones) are
after you. After you alone, because you are a child; not after the
one who tells you about the threat, or after your parents, your
family, all of you. Just you, only you.
Imagine
what it means for a child to grow up under the threat of being hurt
by someone from her own community - the threat of becoming a victim
just because you are a child. (Or, later in life, just because you
are a woman. Or homosexual. Or black.) And, when you ask what kind of
bad things those people are supposed to do to you, there is no clear
answer. Just a certain atmosphere.
I
call this exceedingly hurting circumstances which have to be altered
by adults in the first place. Telling children about it can only make
them weaker, not strong. In my childhood we were told not to trust
any stranger, which meant not going with them or taking sweets from
them. That alone made me feel insecure when going out. I was taught
to fear people I didn't know. And because nobody gave us any
criterion about how to identify a dangerous man, I felt extremely
insecure about not knowing what I'd possibly have to deal with. (Yes,
we were warned against men, not women; we were not warned against any
family members, although the danger for being mistreated by a close
one is much higher than with regard to strangers.)
Here
lies the real absurdity: Do we really think it to be normal for
children not being able to refuse to doing what they don't want to?
Or, do we see children as not feeling or experiencing a threatening
situation as threatening?
What
happens when a child has weird feelings concerning an adult, but does
not act accordingly? I think he or she already learned to mistrust
their own feelings, and to not putting in question the falsehood an
adult person is presenting of himself; better said, to not see the
fake of behavior that is presented. But this can only happen when a
child feels dependent. That means: A child cannot refuse to do what
an adult wants him to, when refusing means a threat to their
relationship. It is, of course, the experience that not obeying an
adult's request is answered by putting the relationship in question.
This can be done by telling the child she would not be a nice person
when saying no. Or: Because you are a nice child, you will do me the
following favor: . . . Or: Don't you want me to be happy? I would be
very happy if you did . . . -- There are a lot of manipulative ways
to get a child to do what you want. There are also ways for telling a
child that what she feels does not mean anything: say, Grandma comes
to visit and grabs the two or three year old grandchild sitting on
the floor playing or looking at a picture book. Any child at first
will protest such a disrespectful behavior. Will the protest be
accepted or is the child being told that "nothing happened, your
grandmother just wanted to say hello"? The latter, when usual,
will help to get a child obedient.
A
child who is treated like that by the people closest to him is always
in the hope for being accepted for what he is and wants - he cannot
risk leaving an opportunity. Although puzzled by his feelings, he
won't say NO to a person who appears somehow threatening in
atmosphere but (usually in a subtle way) promises to give him
something he urgently needs. In case this person does not take "much"
- for instance, just taking the child's attention for himself, while
giving the opposite impression (e. g. "letting" the child
admire things he has got like books, photographs etc. that just for
the motives or else for the context he puts them into are nothing a
child would take interest in; the s. c. gray area) -, the child will
learn to oppress his negative feelings. Several situations like the
described, and the negative feelings won't be recognized any more.
This
is exactly what makes children weak and, unfortunately, prepares them
to be a victim. They may not meet a sexual harassing person, but
there are a lot of other people with low self-esteem who are eager to
use a child's need for being accepted. At least we must see that the
many cases of sexual harassment by priests and school teachers are
also characterized by children who did not tell anybody about what
happened to them; they must have feared that nobody would believe
them. (Something the criminals sensed and took adavantage of by using
just these children, not others.) This is, of course, a result of a
society where most children grow up in disrespectful circumstances. A
statement like "I can't tell you why (I have no words for my
feelings, and because the appearance is different, I don't understand
these feelings), but I don't want to go there any more." often
is not taken seriously; instead, the child is manipulated into
"seeing things differently". No
wonder that criminals have little trouble with getting what they want
without being caught.
We
can only "prepare" children for dealing with threatening
situations when we allow them to feel what they feel and not
manipulate them into agreeing to what they know is not good for them.
Children need to be respected
- that is the best protection we can give them.
